Christmas came and went, and like the strange weather was almost seasonless. I feel like I am trapped in this rat race and constantly fighting defeat.

I seem to teeter between being completely positive and completely unmotivated. Couldn't I just do nothing for a while?

The fan in my room makes an unpleasant dry room temperature breeze, if I open the window I get a draft, if I turn the fan off it is just too still. There is no balance.

My friend called me to say she could come visit me at 1 in the morning (she has a busy schedule - I say this somewhat sarcastically and at the same time acceptingly).

No you cant come to visit me for coffeeat 1 in the morning, I have to work in the morning, I have to do things, I have to be responsible. Secretly I wonder if I wont let her come over anyway -and I hope my better sense tells me not to.

My alter ego tells me its time to give up Hawaii and part of me feels a sense of relief, but most of me just feels a sense of disappointment or some sort of personal failure. It could have worked if only there wasn't such dysfunction.

Dysfunction in general, not in any one specifically. (I wonder if I mean that)

Where to go from there, the logical answer seems here...but here is no good for everybody and I think when I look at this often whats good for me doesnt seem acceptable to him.

Where to from here...California I suppose. Just when I decide how much I would enjoy this I realize this may be less feasible than Hawaii, and there is no good reason why. Just timing.

At least I would have my friends, extended family, support group access like you would not believe but how often can you jump from one place to another. It cant be done overnight, and this is what seems to be called for.

I just do not have the energy - at least not today. And whatever bothers me is on the back burner.

What a drag this December day has been. Worked today, working tomorrow and then 5 days off. It doesnt seem like December, I have no sense of time and I don't think I have for 2 years now.

I would welcome slumber, but have to much desire to do something fun; to do something to kick me out of this, to surrender to sleep.

I wish I could pour everything in my heart out like beautifully melodic music...like whales, or mermaids must do. I don't know how.

Failing everything, I could drink some Frangelico, but where would that really lead me...into tomorrow I suppose.

~v.