My thoughts race through my mind all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy, I get flighty, I just want to go, it doesn�t matter where to or why, just go somewhere and experience life and have a purpose to be passing the time that goes by inevitably anyway.

Tonight I went into a bar to pick up my dinner.No I don't ever cook, I have a mini fridge in my apartment, and everything I eat is either restaurant food or cold.

(I hear the seagulls again)

So I went into the bar to pick up my order and I saw my XXXXX Boyfriend. The X's aren�t precise, just to make a point, its been 10 years. At first when I saw him I was just shocked, and I thought oh god, do I acknowledge I saw him, do I turn away, do I ignore him...what do I do. Human nature is so ridiculous because this guy was not the love of my life, he was not my night and day, he was just a nice guy who I dated for 3 years 10 years ago. And when it was over, it was over and I really never thought much of him again. So here I am, in this bar, 10 years later, no longer a kid, secure, happy and yet completely shocked and unsure of what to do. After I paid for my bill I had resolved to just walk by and pretend it never happened and the strangest thing was just as I looked up to make my way past where he was, he was right in front of me. It was as though I almost walked right into him (which is sad because he was sitting on the bar stool and hadn�t moved since the first time I saw him). And he was smiling a big, very smiley smile, and his eyes were all sparkly, and it was him. He looked the same and it was like the years hadn't gone by except that look he had was more of a man's than a boy now. I said his name, "surprised" and he said hi just still smiling. And the uncomfortable feeling just inched up into me and moment by moment I just got more and more nervous. Silly me, I don�t even know why, and he asked the inevitable so how are you, what�s up? On one hand I didn�t know what to say , but stupid honesty told me to just give a quick update, and it went something like this...Well, I got married about 3 years ago, I got divorced last summer.." He had a weird expression and yet still the big smile...�oh, but its cool, it�s really for the better, i am totally fine with it," (Am Ijust a total idiot here?!) "And um,I am doing (insert work info here -can't reveal top secret info to you my diary readers ;) and that�s going well, and I just got back from living on an island for several months, so in general things are good. Well not just got back I have been back for a few months, but it seems like just yesterday..." I felt so stupid, was it me talking, what the hell was I saying all this for...I had no idea, and he was very nice and smiley, he didn�t answer any of my questions about him, but only very skillfully turned them around into questions about me, and then after about 5 minutes I thought oh god how will this conversation end, do I give him my number, what do I do...Panic as I watched him continue to smile while talking. I had never noticed how smiley he was before, was he thinking something that I didn't know. What if he asks me for my number...panic. And so he looks at my food and says "two packages". And I said yeah, and he said well you better go your food is getting cold. Like on a cue I started to walk away, and I was like, okay I guess so...and as I was about to completely clear out of ear shot I said, "I guess we will see each other around". What a night, and for half an hour after that I wondered why did I tell him I got married and divorced, why didn�t I just say we should have coffee someday...why didn�t I ask him about his family. What the hell was I talking about? And the answer, quite simply, is even though I have no desire to pursue anything with this person, even though we had nothing really lasting, even though I was utterly dreading speaking to him when I first saw him, I just regretted not having had 10 or 15 minutes to have a proper chat between to people who once were intertwined.

I suppose shock turns me into a rambling fool. And so I hope I will see him again, for no reason at all except to say, "Hey, what ever happened to you? Are you married, do you have kids? It was cool to see you, hope you have a good life." And then I would smile back.

~m.