I used to think I was crazy, that all my thoughts and ideas were just beyond the norm, and that the fact that I always managed to do things that others at first said were impossible, then admired when I accomplished them was just part of my insanity.

If you dont risk anything, you will never know. And so I always risked, and usually gained as a result.

Then, one day, or one year I involved myself in a series of risks that were just extreme, no I didnt take up skydiving off of buildings or anything of the sort, but I put myself into a tremendous relationship emotional risk, and I, when you really look at it, lost. After that I was devastated, I didnt know how I could live, really. Not being the kind to dwell too much in my own misery, had no choice but to live.

Shortly after, shortly being a year, I met the man who I ended up marrying. A good safe, kind man. So with the beginning of that relationship I abandoned my crazy ways (without knowing) and slowly as time went on forgot what it even felt like to think like that and to be like that. Everything was calm, and although at the time, seemingly perfect with reflection very boring.

During this calm and uncrazy time, while the crazy me was hidden(well lets face it: forgotten) the responsible, logical, lets go as far as say "stick in the mud" version of me seemed fine. Then I started to resurface, I became like the original me....enter divorce, and a return to the me who I feel I am now.

But now I sit here, reviewing my thoughts and I find myself asking myself: are you just crazy, or what?

I really don't know the answers. I didnt like the totally together, walking the stright road of life me at all, in fact in retrospect I think i was dead or something - for years! I like the me now, the me who can accomplish anything, and does; but why is it that I question myself and even think I am completely nuts sometimes, and why is it that no one around me - for the most part, is ever able to see half of what I do.

I dont have the answers, I dont know.

I wish I did.

How bizarre. How fitting.

~v.