I find myself in what seems to be a rather tragic relationship.

I didnt think so until the other day when strangely I decided to turn the radio onto the easy listening station that I used to listen to when I was depressed missing my high school boyfriend in the high school years.

Yes , I was a rather unusual teen (not because i was missing my boyfriend, but because my listening choice was soft rock and easy listening solely late at night).

So...back to yesterday, in the car. I turned on the old station and listened to the music - no, more than that: the lyrics. I thought about them , analyzed them, compared notes with them and realized that something was very different than in the "good old years" when listening to these songs made more sense. Back then when I heard a song that said "blah, blah, blah...its hard to live, boo hoo, blah blah, but it gets better with time..." it made sense. It made sense because with time it did get better:The process of letting go.

However, as I heard the same familiar lyrics this time, they were all lies. Lies because they did not make sense, the scenarios did not compute and everything was almost angering.

Angering because the key to these songs is the tragic loss of something or someone that you will not get back, and so inevitably with time, it does get better.

What do you do with someone who is not there, but that you are not letting go because the goal is to hold on.

Nothing.

The songs do not help, their lines make no sense, and then the evident reality that the situation you are in is so ridiculous that people dont even write tragic love songs about it, thus making it that much more tragic, is - well for lack of a better word lame.

So........

I move into my new place tomorrow. I am quite disorganized , mainly because there is so little to pack, its almost like a thow together moving job.

Everything has been packed for over a year, well now that I think of it almost one year and a half. So all there really is to pack are the things I use daily. The stuff you would have on a vacation, or an overnight trip.

I will throw it all together, put it in with all the boxes and many, many trips later I will just be there. The new place. A place I have no real desire to stay in forever and without that desire, well none of it seems to matter.

I should have gone to work for the Cirque du Soleil as some sort of international marketing person when I had the chance. Then I would have just lived my lifestyle (of staying in furnished places only bringing what it takes to look good with or in) and thats would have been just fine.

ah well. thats life.

Ramblings of my mind....do you really ever wonder why I haven't been writing more?

Each step I have made in the past 3 months has seemed a step backward, not forward.

Nothing is really so bad, many people might even envy my little set up, but it isnt good enough for my expectations of what I want right now. Somehow I allow this, allow it because it is the standard accepted way to live and so I must conform, or appear to...and those who really know me can sit and wait as the clock ticks until I "lose it" throw caution to the wind and make my next leap.

I suppose the best part about it is I never know when it will happen, but for once I know myself well enough to know that the timing will seem right one day when I wake up, or some afternoon as I hang up the phone with a client, or one night as I swim in the pool. Then poof, in an instant the spark will light the fire and the cycle will begin again - except next time, (mental note) I will refuse to allow myself to be convinced that this normality of life is the right way to go, and I will just be, because anyone who knows me by now has learned that only at the impossible dreams, incredible tasks, or ridiculous risks, am I most successful, and at my best.

I suppose the time has come to say good night.

good night then - cheers to tomorrow: the next chapter will begin with "the move."

~v.