Since my last entry, I noticed that I was feeling a sense of sadness.

The more I thought about this person (see previous entry), the more I realized that I really needed to phase them out of my life.

This was sad.

I guess it is a matter of dealing with the logical and the emotional. I asked myself why I was feeling so sad, of course it all made sense to get rid of her as a "friend" and make this more of an acquaintance thing, but it was sad nonetheless.

I finally realized that it wasn't just her that was making me feel somewhat sad.

A few days ago I was speaking to a friend and they brought up my upcoming birthday. They asked me what my plans were and I told them that I hadn't really made any plans, because I didn't really like making my birthday some big thing. I usually just do whatever comes up on that day, and preferably in some way include time with people I care about and doing something that I consider "fun".

They were joking with me and told me that I had to "live it up" because this would be my last birthday in my 20's. At first, I laughed and said whatever, but then I realized wow...they are right.

Well, my birthday itself isn't making me sad, infact I am rather looking forward to it. Every year on my birthday I evaluate where I am, where I am going, what my goals have been, how I have worked towards achieving them and where to go from here.

As I am writing this, I questioned in my mind how long I have been doing this. Where this started? I realized it is due to a lunch meeting with my an old boss several years ago. My first "real" job, where I accomplished astronomical levels of things in a very short time. One day he asked me to lunch, to discuss where I was going with the company and to review my goals and where they stood with the company's. I remember I knew I was going to be getting a raise (one long overdue).

I went to the meeting, knowing how much I had done, and knowing that I was extremely valuable. Given the sales increases and accomplishments, I was expecting a 7 or 8k raise. As my boss sat there praising me, as I deserved, going on about my long future with the company he told me he was giving me a the raise. He then told me the amount, which was still well below what I should have been making.

Of course, this was somewhat disappointing. I knew I was being taken advantage of, but what really struck me was (being about 23 at the time) that he said that by the time I was 30, I could expect to be making about 30k. he said this with such enthusiasm - but really it was insulting. Insulting because my salary should have been well above that already, and also because it wasn't too far a jump from what I was already making. 7 years and he thought I could be at 30k in a professional position at which I had already proven myself to be an overachiever and known leader?

I think that since that day, I was forced to evaluate where I wanted to be at 30, and as a result, at each age in my life - to keep me on track.

Without any planning, this tradition formed - and I greatly appreciate it.

So, back to the sadness. I think that as a result of recent events, combined with the realization about the "x-friend"'s behavior, my birthday review was kickstarted early. With this, the decision and realization about the things that I chose to leave behind me.

Any loss, even the loss of something that maybe isn't good for you will undoubtedly give any human a feeling of sadness.

I suppose however the fun part is and will continue to be assessing the success. To come as the "big day" draws near.

Well, this has been a terribly sober entry reflecting the feel of the weather outside which seems to have switched drastically to that of fall.

A little chilly, but ever fresh. The old aways opens onto the new - if we are brave enough to let go and recognise it.

~v.